For my grandfather, the late Paul Mapangdol, Sr.
Some of the best conversations in life happen when it’s the last. At twenty, he was able to have the best one to leave an imprint in his life. It was with his grandfather. On the shore, they were facing the setting sun.
The waters were calm, seemingly contemplating the soul that will soon walk on its waters. One second, that moment was shattered by a pebble thrown by the kid. I was looking at him moving uneasily as though his grandfather was a stranger. For a long while, both were quiet until his grandfather spoke.
’Son. I’ve grown old watching my children grow. Right now, I’m passing through life watching you, my grandchildren, as you begin to shape your lives. So far, those before you have had their plans. How come I see that you don’t have any?’ That was true. For the kid was astray moving from a life of goodness to being extremely stubborn. Thinking to him, the kid recalled those times when he badly wanted to be like those people before him. He recalled those plans he had to be like them. He answered,’ Grandpa, my decisions are about me searching for the life I wanted to live with my family. When I was young, I thought I could be a teacher. While I was growing, I wanted to be like my brothers. Along the way, I took myself so seriously that I brought pain to those people I point my fingers to. Since then, I didn’t know.’
Sometimes, silence can bring our recesses down. I saw the kid nearly burning out. In a voice lived by solid years his grandfather replied,’ you can never be anybody else but you. I taught because I wanted to guide people to make something good for humanity. But it seems that today, people are being taught so they can make themselves beautiful regardless of the human charity to be empathic.’
’You can never be like your brothers either. A man has to live like himself to be worthy of dying. You’ll soon find out what I mean.’ I guess that was the moment when the kid realized the consequences of living under the shadows of idolatry and wanting. Perfection is so questionable because he never had the freewill to stake out his plans. He then asked, ’Can you tell me about the decisions you’ve made, Grandpa?’ Though his eyes failed to speak of his thoughts, his grandfather’s silence echoed regret. Today’s youth think younger than their years and it will always be in a different perspective.
’Decisions don’t tell whether you can be better or not. It tells you how to be better. In my life, I decided from the facts and principles I have. I didn’t yearn for those things I was incapable of achieving. I humbled myself so I can be proud. I chose my path to be a teacher and a father of a big family because I wanted people to realize that numbers do not determine fulfillment. People tell me I’ m intelligent but I make a bad teacher. However, I say that intelligent people don’t go to school because it will lead them to question their faith. We don’t stop asking for more, you know that.
’I am not a terrorizing teacher. I am someone who wished to share my knowledge with conviction so my students will believe me when they’ll finally stand. We always have a reason for everything – a reason that emanates from the purity of our intentions. If that reason is unreachable to us, we will never understand ourselves and what we do.’
’Well, that was you being a teacher. How about you being a grandfather?’
’Did you notice how you disturbed the waters by the pebble you threw? That’s like me being a grandfather. I’m hurt every time you fail your endeavors. At this point, you should know that I can never make decisions for you. You take the plans by yourself and you should know where it takes you. You fail, you succeed. Both should open doors for improvement but if you don’t realize it, you have no other choice but to go on thinking about regret. Even your success can be the worst failure you can imagine.
’You failed twice for the same reason. Don’t let yourself take your third.’
So it all came back. The tears. The failures. The successes. The kid knew by then that the barrier he built was too high enough and that because it is the sole recipient of his cycles of decisions and consequential emotions that he cannot break it down just like that.
’I feel the end now, son. I’m weak. All I have to tell you is to make it good. Put a spark in everything you do. Use what you have to make yourself better. I know you can capture my thoughts. I know you can act it out. And I know you can read it, for certain. Practice every virtue you’ve learned and you’ll be happy. In everything you do, place God and your family at the top of your list. When everything else fails, you’ll always go back and they’ll embrace you. Make it good. Just be.’
The kid was left with a mouth wide open but unable to speak. Like the sand castles on the shore, his distorted beliefs were shattered by a renewed perception of his living. He never had the chance to express his gratitude for there was his grandfather – sitting still on a rocking chair by the shore. He closed his eyes and thought about leaving his greatest accomplishment to a grandchild: a legacy unstained by time.
The kid stood and stared at the sea. Tears were coming forth. This time it’s all over.
The sun has set.
Published: The Baguio Midland Courier. 13 January 2006
Thank you to Marc Pascual for the featured image.